I certainly enjoyed your story. It was very different from the original; while the first story was about willful blindness and temptation, yours was focused on inner beauty and identity. The word usage was also fairly efficient, with little to no unnecessary words. It certainly conveyed it's story in a fairly straightforward and understandable manner. All in all, it's quite competent.
While the story is decently optimized for it's goal, that being a short moral story with no real characters and a moral focus, that type of story does have inherent flaws. For starters, they are usually told in the past tense, and so feel very unusual when written in an active frame. Furthermore, introducing highly developed characters (the absolute rage in storytelling these days) distracts from their overall purpose and introduce massive complexities that overshadow the main story. So while I have no real complaints against your story in particular, I would consider this type of story to be prone to a large number of inherent flaws.
I would like to end by stating that I do quite enjoy this story.
Your story took a wonderful twist that I truly did not expect as you wrote it! I was so impressed by the underlying message you brought up from the story and portrayed it as a highlight of the one you made. It was truly a wonderful message to send and quite the story to use. You were very clear on your story, and there was little to no mistakes from what I could see. The picture you had at the beginning was also very funny and enticing. It really gave a face to the She-Goblins. My only concern is that you never brought back in the characters you mentioned in the beginning of your story. The King Fairy and Queen Mermaid. What did they think of this outcome? Were they involved with their inherent self-love? I'm curious to know what they thought and if they were willing to sacrifice and compromise in the end. I think you can go back and fix this easily by including them again at the end of the story. I truly loved it and hope to see more like it!
I loved both of your stories! I think I favor the journal entry of Sita. That was magnificent and modernized. I think that people could relate to Sita in that way and will help modern readers. Also, I love Hanuman and love that he was incorporated. A very interesting way, by all means, but I thought it was good. I wish I could see more of their adventures as she attempts to convince Ram and Luke to go to India as they're supposed to. I liked the mermaid story as well. I liked that it had a goal and a message for everyone to reach by the end. Your author's note summed it up very well and really gave a good sense of closure to the story. That was my reactions anyways. I'm excited to see what else you come up with. Very good job, thus far!
Hi~ Before I even read the stories I had to comment on your portfolio's title. I wish there was a switch to flip on writers block. I really like how you've written your stories. I think it can be hard to capture the reader's attention from the beginning so they read all the way through, especially if the content is new. You've done a nice job at keeping the characters and events uncomplicated. The image at the bottom of Phase I confused me for just a second. I think it may be better placed at the end of the story before the author's note. I thought the story was over at the image, which isn't the biggest deal but it could help with the story flow to keep it together. I look forward to the stories you'll write and include in your project. I'll definitely keep an eye out for new updates!
I clicked on your blog because of how much I loved your title, and I realized that I had already read your first story several weeks back! The story now it flows a lot more smoothly, which is awesome! I enjoyed your first story a lot, and the new approach you took towards the she-golbins, but I have to say your second story was definitely my favorite! I know you're doing a portfolio but I would absolutely love to read more of Sita's journal as she chronicles her journey to India and becoming queen and all that. Maybe you could add in a part two for this one? I did have a one suggestion to make it feel more "journal-like" which would be to add dates or the days of the week or something to all of the different entries instead of titling them "Entry 1" etc. I really enjoyed reading through your portfolio and I can't wait to read what you write next!
Your use of the she-goblins is very interesting. The fact that they give beautiful gifts for no reason at all is very cool and kind! Your play on how the mermaids actually turn out to be ugly on the outside because they are turned into goblins. Instead of focusing on the fact that they are considered ugly in their own eye and being “land-dwellers” they focus on what internally makes them beautiful. They start to begin to see themselves for the beauty they posses on the inside. I think this is a great message as sometimes what is the most beautiful thing is on the inside rather than on the outside. Sometimes people are too focused on the outside that they will never give some people the chance to show them who they are. I wonder what would have happened if some of the humans saw the goblins for who they truly were if that would effect anything, or if things would be the same.
Hey Meranda, first off, I really appreciated your title. I think a strong title is what can draw in a reader and grasp their attention right off the bat! Secondly, I really enjoyed your story. I think it was an interesting take on the original, "Goblin City". I like reading stories that add in a sci-fi aspect in away that makes it more interesting than the classic Epics we have been reading. I like how you created twist with the mermaids actually being "ugly" on the outside, but beautiful on the inside. I think this could relate as a positive message to people how the classic girls of the story aren't the beautiful, elegant expectations as the mermaids were in this one. Also, I liked your images because I think they were unexpected, at least the first one of the crazy looking goblin because I wanted to read into the story more to know what that image was representing. Overall, I really enjoyed this Portfolio thus far and am excited to see the finished result.
Hello Meranda, I love how creative you are with your stories! The picture caught my attention honestly. I liked how you made the mermaids ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside then they turn into goblins! I think I really enjoyed reading your journal entry and mostly because I enjoyed reading about Sita! The only thing I had a problem is making your journal entry like a journal. Usually they have date and timestamps or trying to insert a picture for entry so there’s more visualization! I think you misspelled some words in your essay, you spelled “dialog” instead of dialogue. Overall, I really enjoyed this story! I really hope you continue on your story with Sita because it is something I am definitely wanting to read. And your portfolio is coming along pretty well!
I’m wondering where your introduction is – I can’t seem to find it. Even if they aren’t required for Portfolios, I think one would help since you’re portfolio also seems to have some narrative to it. I like your idea of framing your various stories inside of your own journey as a writer, but then I’d like to see some explanation of what the different phases are and how they fit into that broader process.
I liked you twist on the Goblin City story very much. It leaves me wondering what exactly the nature of the curse placed on the Mermaids by the fairies was. Simply that they see one another as ugly? Or was the curse more real, but the humans saw through it?
I liked your other story very much as well, it was a nice modern twist on a few of the stories of Sita we’ve heard.
Wow great job! I really loved your twist on this story because I think it addresses something very important. Thought all of the Indian epics I have realized what a repeating pattern of inner vs outer beauty seems to be seen. Often times I do think that it can be misconstrued and I think your story did a great job of bringing to light the true meaning and importance behind it all. I think it's a really great reminder as we head into the rest of the semester where I am sure it will be brought up again. I noticed very few grammatical errors in your writing so either you do a great job proofreading of you just do a great job on the first draft! But I appreciated it because it makes reading so much easier. I also really enjoyed the images you chose to use throughout your website! They did a great job of adding an extra element to your story. Great job! I hope to read more of your stories in the future.
I have no idea what you were talking about when you said you were a bad writer, your stories were awesome!! Your first one was very beautiful. I liked what you said in the authors note about reversing the roles, making the bad guys good and the good guys bad. I did understand what you mean then you said it is sad that the bad guys do get what they deserve but still a bit sad because you could see their potential. I think too many times people fail to see their potential or purpose which leaves to bad choices. I liked how you also made this story less violent haha no more man eating goblins. Everything you did was very well done. I think it would have been interesting to see what happened if maybe the fairies stayed. Would the humans come and see how poorley the she-goblins (mermaids) were treated by these fairies and fight or would the fairies get the best of them and turn them into something as well. It was a very sweet story and showed that although we may not see our value or beauty, others do. Also I started reading your other story and it was hilarious! I loved how you made it into Sita writing in her journal and explaining everything that happened. It was very creative! Keep it up!
Hey Meranda, I really enjoyed your story, The Duchess! I really liked your introduction and explanation of your portfolio, your title was the reason I originally clicked on your project! Regardless of what you may say about your ability to write, I think you have a natural knack for it! This story flows beautifully and you've incorporated dialogue in a tactful and natural way that I have not seen many of our other classmates do! From the very first paragraph you've drawn me into this story. I loved your description of Draupadi as a lovesick 18 year old with the ideals of a hopeless romantic, who is destined to marry not for herself, but for the good of her family name. It immediately makes me as a reader very sympathetic for her situation. One thing that I've noticed that you may wan't to check back over is matching tenses in your story from sentence to sentence. It seems like you want the speaker in this fable to be speaking of events that have already passed, but sometimes you used helping verbs that broke up that pattern. For example, instead of saying "Her father is hoping to find her a husband and plans to do so at the ball." I would instead suggest "Her father was...and planed to do so..." I really like the way you wrote Arjuna's dialogue! You really brought that character to life, and through his charming nature one could see how Draupadi would fall for these men!
Hey there Meranda! The first thing I noticed was your portfolio title. I thought it was really quirky. I chose to read the first story The Beautiful Kind of Ugly. Even though I saw your writing progress in the proceeding two stories, the first was still my favorite to read. I think you are a superb story teller. I hope you can see that your work is great. The first story was so fun for me to read. I liked that you started off with the image of the she-goblin to start off with. I was confused about why they were called she goblins until I read your "author's note." Next time I would say to maybe introduce the idea in the story instead of the end. I liked your work a lot and I can't wait to read more.
Hi Merenda! For starters, I have to say that I love your title; it is a very clever way of expressing how you have sought to push yourself as a writer in this class! The images on your site are also spot on, and provide great visual cues for the reader. "The Beautiful Kind of Ugly" (another great title, by the way - and clever titles are often difficult for people to think of!) was a wonderful retelling of the original. It was a little unclear when and why the mermaids became she-goblins, however; were the horses the ones who cursed them? Or was it the fairies? I love how the humans see the Mermaids as beautiful creatures because of their pure hearts, and how the mermaids realize the power of their own self-image and their ability to embrace their inner beauty. An editing note: There is one point where you say "They decided as a unity" where I believe you meant to use the word "unit." And another quick editing note for your homepage: You have a line that reads "This has been become more apparent..." I believe you might have meant to remove the "been."
So I read a some of the stories on your storybook and I love them. You give each of them a personal feel. The first person perspective is very well done. The story I enjoyed the most was the one from Draupadi's point of view when the three brothers showed up and promised themselves to her. You did a good job of painting her attitude and feelings towards the ball and towards the many men who came to her as suitors. The Pandava brothers definitely were pained in a young adult romance kind of way which I'm a big fan of. I also really like the sore toes spiel, it was one of my favorite sentences and told me exactly what Draupadi was going through having to dance with so many people. He aunt, although a minor character, was well described and stood out as a unique strict woman, even though there was little written about her. It also seems that Draupadi has a close connection to her father.
First, I would like to discuss your portfolio website itself. I though the layout and design of your website was great. The website was super easy to navigate. I also really enjoyed the graphics you used. I do have a question about one of the graphic's placement, was the journal at the top of the Phase II page supposed to be off center? Overall, I thought your website was nice, clean, and eye appealing.
Now let's discuss your story, "Sita's Journal." I thought this story was fresh and unique because of the overall writing style of the story. I am guilty of writing completely in third person with block paragraph formation, so this was a nice, new style of writing compared to some other stories I have read over the semester. I also thought it was cool that you created a voice for Sita because in the original epics she did not have a voice of her own, I felt like. I did not think I have any suggestions at this time. I really enjoyed reading your work!
Hi Meranda! I got to choose your portfolio and the title definitely pulled me in. I love your blurb on the home page, about how you think people are lying about their majors. Very funny. I love how you ask the audience to enjoy or at least pretend to enjoy. Beyond this, I would alter your main title on the home page. If possible I would try to get the header to be Metamorphosis and the subheader to be From Bookworm to Writer. This would read better and look prettier. Moving on to phase 1! Okay I love it so far, but I am going to nit pick a piece of it. "Little did he realize, the Mermaids had captured the magical white horses, and kept them. After they were cursed, they got rid of the enemy fairies by creating a spell to wipe them out. Despite their luck, the She-Goblins could not harness the Horses' magical powers to reverse their curse and return to the sea as Mermaids." This reads better and is less dragged on.
For starters, it should be mentioned that the entire title is a fantastic choice. It really gets a persons attention and is very unique. Now, I think your little poem type thing in on the introductory page is also fantastic. I have read your first couple of stories previously, and so I will focus on the newest one. I love the aristocratic twist to Draupadi's story. I liked how you brought in her wonder about why she was staring at five men and how that was going to work. I almost want to suggest that the first paragraph be a bit more in scene versus summary, but I also like how it is now. Also, you mentioned that you're not a good writer but you carried me through the stories so I would disagree with your statement. I am actually an English major so I was amused by the mention of that. I really like the images you used on this story, especially the one of the girl in a ball gown. It adds to the story and visual I have in my head of Draupadi. The only thing I think I could possibly suggest is adding a tiny detail about how these brothers found out this one woman is their fated wife? Somebody had to be responsible.
Hello Meranda! It is nice to meet you and finally see and read your stories! This weeks feedback is geared towards paragraph formations and before I get into that I just wanted to give a few comments on some other aspects to your website. First off, I LOVED your home page and your little intro paragraph! I actually laughed a little out loud because I feel the exact same way!! I had no where near some of the writing training and classes these other people in class obviously have in the past... if they really are science majors like they all say! In phase one I liked how you included two pictures to really round out the story and your paragraphs I thought were perfect. With some much dialogue I like keeping them shorter. I think for phase two you could have done without so many entries or lengthen the ones you had. By doing a few together they wouldn't have been so short. Entry 5 was really great though! Then phase three was overall really good and well put together.
First of all, I want to tell you that your website looks fantastic and you have a pretty cool title. I think you are a really good writer. I found the message of your story "The Beautiful Kind of Ugly" to be very beautiful and inspiring. I liked how you shaped the story and made it your own. I especially enjoyed that you left out the trickery and the whole, wanting to eat people part of the story out. Instead, you transformed it into a message of self-perception and beauty. I like the extensive background you provided with the mermaids and the fairies. I did catch a minor mistake. After the Queen Mermaid talks to the King Fairy and leaves, you referred to the Queen as "The Queen Fairy." That threw me off a bit, but I realized it must have been a mistake. Other than that, there is nothing else that I saw.
I just got finished reading your story "Phase II - Sita's Journal" and I really was blown away with your writing style! I really do enjoy retellings of stories where they are just original enough where I can see where the source material is being referenced, but still different enough where it feels like a fresh and new read through. You hit this right on the nose! I really enjoyed how you took a modern take on Sita, and even kept the characters names similar, but still modern (Luke instead of Lakshmana and Ram instead of Rama, I love it!) Also, I think you chose the perfect style and diction to use for your story, as I truly felt like I was reading a 16 year old girl's blog/journal. I wonder how Ram would take all this news, that his girl friend was a living reincarnation of an ancient Indian princess. I would love to see the interactions between Sarah and Ram as she explains this new news to him, and if he would even believe her! Great read!
Hey Meranda, I just went through to read all of your stories again and I thought that they were really good! Firstly, I like your introduction and the name of your project! I felt like all of your stories were constructed really well and I really liked your journal story. I found it as an interesting new way to talk to the readers and you executed it really well! I love how you ended your portfolio with a woman-power tale, where Sita and Draupadi didn't need a man to be happy, but they could be perfectly happy with each other. I wonder how Ram will take it and unfortunately, in regards to this class, you can't continue the story for us and have Ram and Sita possibly go to the same college. That would have been something interesting for sure. As for the layout of your portfolio, I thought it was really clean and the pictures that you picked fit perfectly to your subject. Overall, great job!
Hey Meranda, It was great reading your last story in your portfolio. My favorite part is how you blended the two epics we read together. I would have never thought of something like that but it’s a great idea. I also enjoyed that you made the setting more modern, sometimes it is easier to understand that way. It is also an interesting concept that you wrote this while the girls were younger since not a lot is mentioned about when they are children. I think writing the story about when they were younger makes them more relatable and real. It makes the reader think that they had a whole life outside of what we read in the epic. I wonder what other adventures these two would have gone on together as kids. If we had more time it would be interesting to write a story about how they had to part ways as adults to marry their husbands, or maybe they would stay close to each other!
I promise I’m not fibbing about my degree – it really is math – and I also can tell you that your writing is much better than you think: you have a simple, straight-forward, and well-executed style that easily outdoes any hamfisted attempts at eloquence. “Brevity is the soul of wit,” and all that. Clarity is too.
I enjoyed reading “The Duchess.” I know exactly what you mean in your Author’s Note: I love to retreat to Jane Austen when things around me are going crazy. There’s just something indefinable to it. The characterization in this one was great too. The characters speak with diction that reinforces the setting and emphasizes the story, which is not something you find in these stories all that often. And I really liked the playful, active spin you put on the – rather bizarre – event of Draupadi’s marriage to all of the brothers.
And I like this phrase a lot: “With the absolute clarity of one drunk on adventure, love, and new possibilities.”
I certainly enjoyed your story. It was very different from the original; while the first story was about willful blindness and temptation, yours was focused on inner beauty and identity. The word usage was also fairly efficient, with little to no unnecessary words. It certainly conveyed it's story in a fairly straightforward and understandable manner. All in all, it's quite competent.
ReplyDeleteWhile the story is decently optimized for it's goal, that being a short moral story with no real characters and a moral focus, that type of story does have inherent flaws. For starters, they are usually told in the past tense, and so feel very unusual when written in an active frame. Furthermore, introducing highly developed characters (the absolute rage in storytelling these days) distracts from their overall purpose and introduce massive complexities that overshadow the main story. So while I have no real complaints against your story in particular, I would consider this type of story to be prone to a large number of inherent flaws.
I would like to end by stating that I do quite enjoy this story.
EmKay,
ReplyDeleteYour story took a wonderful twist that I truly did not expect as you wrote it! I was so impressed by the underlying message you brought up from the story and portrayed it as a highlight of the one you made. It was truly a wonderful message to send and quite the story to use. You were very clear on your story, and there was little to no mistakes from what I could see. The picture you had at the beginning was also very funny and enticing. It really gave a face to the She-Goblins. My only concern is that you never brought back in the characters you mentioned in the beginning of your story. The King Fairy and Queen Mermaid. What did they think of this outcome? Were they involved with their inherent self-love? I'm curious to know what they thought and if they were willing to sacrifice and compromise in the end. I think you can go back and fix this easily by including them again at the end of the story. I truly loved it and hope to see more like it!
I loved both of your stories! I think I favor the journal entry of Sita. That was magnificent and modernized. I think that people could relate to Sita in that way and will help modern readers. Also, I love Hanuman and love that he was incorporated. A very interesting way, by all means, but I thought it was good. I wish I could see more of their adventures as she attempts to convince Ram and Luke to go to India as they're supposed to. I liked the mermaid story as well. I liked that it had a goal and a message for everyone to reach by the end. Your author's note summed it up very well and really gave a good sense of closure to the story. That was my reactions anyways. I'm excited to see what else you come up with. Very good job, thus far!
ReplyDeleteHi~
ReplyDeleteBefore I even read the stories I had to comment on your portfolio's title. I wish there was a switch to flip on writers block.
I really like how you've written your stories. I think it can be hard to capture the reader's attention from the beginning so they read all the way through, especially if the content is new. You've done a nice job at keeping the characters and events uncomplicated.
The image at the bottom of Phase I confused me for just a second. I think it may be better placed at the end of the story before the author's note. I thought the story was over at the image, which isn't the biggest deal but it could help with the story flow to keep it together.
I look forward to the stories you'll write and include in your project. I'll definitely keep an eye out for new updates!
Hi Meranda!
ReplyDeleteI clicked on your blog because of how much I loved your title, and I realized that I had already read your first story several weeks back! The story now it flows a lot more smoothly, which is awesome! I enjoyed your first story a lot, and the new approach you took towards the she-golbins, but I have to say your second story was definitely my favorite! I know you're doing a portfolio but I would absolutely love to read more of Sita's journal as she chronicles her journey to India and becoming queen and all that. Maybe you could add in a part two for this one? I did have a one suggestion to make it feel more "journal-like" which would be to add dates or the days of the week or something to all of the different entries instead of titling them "Entry 1" etc. I really enjoyed reading through your portfolio and I can't wait to read what you write next!
Your use of the she-goblins is very interesting. The fact that they give beautiful gifts for no reason at all is very cool and kind! Your play on how the mermaids actually turn out to be ugly on the outside because they are turned into goblins. Instead of focusing on the fact that they are considered ugly in their own eye and being “land-dwellers” they focus on what internally makes them beautiful. They start to begin to see themselves for the beauty they posses on the inside. I think this is a great message as sometimes what is the most beautiful thing is on the inside rather than on the outside. Sometimes people are too focused on the outside that they will never give some people the chance to show them who they are. I wonder what would have happened if some of the humans saw the goblins for who they truly were if that would effect anything, or if things would be the same.
ReplyDeleteHey Meranda, first off, I really appreciated your title. I think a strong title is what can draw in a reader and grasp their attention right off the bat! Secondly, I really enjoyed your story. I think it was an interesting take on the original, "Goblin City". I like reading stories that add in a sci-fi aspect in away that makes it more interesting than the classic Epics we have been reading. I like how you created twist with the mermaids actually being "ugly" on the outside, but beautiful on the inside. I think this could relate as a positive message to people how the classic girls of the story aren't the beautiful, elegant expectations as the mermaids were in this one. Also, I liked your images because I think they were unexpected, at least the first one of the crazy looking goblin because I wanted to read into the story more to know what that image was representing. Overall, I really enjoyed this Portfolio thus far and am excited to see the finished result.
ReplyDeleteHello Meranda, I love how creative you are with your stories! The picture caught my attention honestly. I liked how you made the mermaids ugly on the outside but beautiful on the inside then they turn into goblins! I think I really enjoyed reading your journal entry and mostly because I enjoyed reading about Sita! The only thing I had a problem is making your journal entry like a journal. Usually they have date and timestamps or trying to insert a picture for entry so there’s more visualization! I think you misspelled some words in your essay, you spelled “dialog” instead of dialogue. Overall, I really enjoyed this story! I really hope you continue on your story with Sita because it is something I am definitely wanting to read. And your portfolio is coming along pretty well!
ReplyDeleteHi Meranda,
ReplyDeleteI’m wondering where your introduction is – I can’t seem to find it. Even if they aren’t required for Portfolios, I think one would help since you’re portfolio also seems to have some narrative to it. I like your idea of framing your various stories inside of your own journey as a writer, but then I’d like to see some explanation of what the different phases are and how they fit into that broader process.
I liked you twist on the Goblin City story very much. It leaves me wondering what exactly the nature of the curse placed on the Mermaids by the fairies was. Simply that they see one another as ugly? Or was the curse more real, but the humans saw through it?
I liked your other story very much as well, it was a nice modern twist on a few of the stories of Sita we’ve heard.
Thanks,
A.M.
Hi Meranda!
ReplyDeleteWow great job! I really loved your twist on this story because I think it addresses something very important. Thought all of the Indian epics I have realized what a repeating pattern of inner vs outer beauty seems to be seen. Often times I do think that it can be misconstrued and I think your story did a great job of bringing to light the true meaning and importance behind it all. I think it's a really great reminder as we head into the rest of the semester where I am sure it will be brought up again. I noticed very few grammatical errors in your writing so either you do a great job proofreading of you just do a great job on the first draft! But I appreciated it because it makes reading so much easier. I also really enjoyed the images you chose to use throughout your website! They did a great job of adding an extra element to your story. Great job! I hope to read more of your stories in the future.
Hey Merenda!
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what you were talking about when you said you were a bad writer, your stories were awesome!! Your first one was very beautiful. I liked what you said in the authors note about reversing the roles, making the bad guys good and the good guys bad. I did understand what you mean then you said it is sad that the bad guys do get what they deserve but still a bit sad because you could see their potential. I think too many times people fail to see their potential or purpose which leaves to bad choices. I liked how you also made this story less violent haha no more man eating goblins. Everything you did was very well done. I think it would have been interesting to see what happened if maybe the fairies stayed. Would the humans come and see how poorley the she-goblins (mermaids) were treated by these fairies and fight or would the fairies get the best of them and turn them into something as well. It was a very sweet story and showed that although we may not see our value or beauty, others do. Also I started reading your other story and it was hilarious! I loved how you made it into Sita writing in her journal and explaining everything that happened. It was very creative! Keep it up!
Hey Meranda,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story, The Duchess! I really liked your introduction and explanation of your portfolio, your title was the reason I originally clicked on your project! Regardless of what you may say about your ability to write, I think you have a natural knack for it! This story flows beautifully and you've incorporated dialogue in a tactful and natural way that I have not seen many of our other classmates do!
From the very first paragraph you've drawn me into this story. I loved your description of Draupadi as a lovesick 18 year old with the ideals of a hopeless romantic, who is destined to marry not for herself, but for the good of her family name. It immediately makes me as a reader very sympathetic for her situation. One thing that I've noticed that you may wan't to check back over is matching tenses in your story from sentence to sentence. It seems like you want the speaker in this fable to be speaking of events that have already passed, but sometimes you used helping verbs that broke up that pattern. For example, instead of saying "Her father is hoping to find her a husband and plans to do so at the ball." I would instead suggest "Her father was...and planed to do so..." I really like the way you wrote Arjuna's dialogue! You really brought that character to life, and through his charming nature one could see how Draupadi would fall for these men!
Hey there Meranda!
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I noticed was your portfolio title. I thought it was really quirky. I chose to read the first story The Beautiful Kind of Ugly. Even though I saw your writing progress in the proceeding two stories, the first was still my favorite to read. I think you are a superb story teller. I hope you can see that your work is great. The first story was so fun for me to read. I liked that you started off with the image of the she-goblin to start off with. I was confused about why they were called she goblins until I read your "author's note." Next time I would say to maybe introduce the idea in the story instead of the end.
I liked your work a lot and I can't wait to read more.
Hi Merenda!
ReplyDeleteFor starters, I have to say that I love your title; it is a very clever way of expressing how you have sought to push yourself as a writer in this class! The images on your site are also spot on, and provide great visual cues for the reader.
"The Beautiful Kind of Ugly" (another great title, by the way - and clever titles are often difficult for people to think of!) was a wonderful retelling of the original. It was a little unclear when and why the mermaids became she-goblins, however; were the horses the ones who cursed them? Or was it the fairies?
I love how the humans see the Mermaids as beautiful creatures because of their pure hearts, and how the mermaids realize the power of their own self-image and their ability to embrace their inner beauty.
An editing note: There is one point where you say "They decided as a unity" where I believe you meant to use the word "unit."
And another quick editing note for your homepage: You have a line that reads "This has been become more apparent..." I believe you might have meant to remove the "been."
So I read a some of the stories on your storybook and I love them. You give each of them a personal feel. The first person perspective is very well done. The story I enjoyed the most was the one from Draupadi's point of view when the three brothers showed up and promised themselves to her. You did a good job of painting her attitude and feelings towards the ball and towards the many men who came to her as suitors. The Pandava brothers definitely were pained in a young adult romance kind of way which I'm a big fan of. I also really like the sore toes spiel, it was one of my favorite sentences and told me exactly what Draupadi was going through having to dance with so many people. He aunt, although a minor character, was well described and stood out as a unique strict woman, even though there was little written about her. It also seems that Draupadi has a close connection to her father.
ReplyDeleteHowdy EmKay,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I would like to discuss your portfolio website itself. I though the layout and design of your website was great. The website was super easy to navigate. I also really enjoyed the graphics you used. I do have a question about one of the graphic's placement, was the journal at the top of the Phase II page supposed to be off center? Overall, I thought your website was nice, clean, and eye appealing.
Now let's discuss your story, "Sita's Journal." I thought this story was fresh and unique because of the overall writing style of the story. I am guilty of writing completely in third person with block paragraph formation, so this was a nice, new style of writing compared to some other stories I have read over the semester. I also thought it was cool that you created a voice for Sita because in the original epics she did not have a voice of her own, I felt like. I did not think I have any suggestions at this time. I really enjoyed reading your work!
Hi Meranda! I got to choose your portfolio and the title definitely pulled me in. I love your blurb on the home page, about how you think people are lying about their majors. Very funny. I love how you ask the audience to enjoy or at least pretend to enjoy. Beyond this, I would alter your main title on the home page. If possible I would try to get the header to be Metamorphosis and the subheader to be From Bookworm to Writer. This would read better and look prettier. Moving on to phase 1! Okay I love it so far, but I am going to nit pick a piece of it. "Little did he realize, the Mermaids had captured the magical white horses, and kept them. After they were cursed, they got rid of the enemy fairies by creating a spell to wipe them out. Despite their luck, the She-Goblins could not harness the Horses' magical powers to reverse their curse and return to the sea as Mermaids." This reads better and is less dragged on.
ReplyDeleteFor starters, it should be mentioned that the entire title is a fantastic choice. It really gets a persons attention and is very unique. Now, I think your little poem type thing in on the introductory page is also fantastic. I have read your first couple of stories previously, and so I will focus on the newest one. I love the aristocratic twist to Draupadi's story. I liked how you brought in her wonder about why she was staring at five men and how that was going to work. I almost want to suggest that the first paragraph be a bit more in scene versus summary, but I also like how it is now. Also, you mentioned that you're not a good writer but you carried me through the stories so I would disagree with your statement. I am actually an English major so I was amused by the mention of that. I really like the images you used on this story, especially the one of the girl in a ball gown. It adds to the story and visual I have in my head of Draupadi. The only thing I think I could possibly suggest is adding a tiny detail about how these brothers found out this one woman is their fated wife? Somebody had to be responsible.
ReplyDeleteHello Meranda!
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to meet you and finally see and read your stories! This weeks feedback is geared towards paragraph formations and before I get into that I just wanted to give a few comments on some other aspects to your website. First off, I LOVED your home page and your little intro paragraph! I actually laughed a little out loud because I feel the exact same way!! I had no where near some of the writing training and classes these other people in class obviously have in the past... if they really are science majors like they all say! In phase one I liked how you included two pictures to really round out the story and your paragraphs I thought were perfect. With some much dialogue I like keeping them shorter. I think for phase two you could have done without so many entries or lengthen the ones you had. By doing a few together they wouldn't have been so short. Entry 5 was really great though! Then phase three was overall really good and well put together.
Hi Meranda,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I want to tell you that your website looks fantastic and you have a pretty cool title. I think you are a really good writer. I found the message of your story "The Beautiful Kind of Ugly" to be very beautiful and inspiring. I liked how you shaped the story and made it your own. I especially enjoyed that you left out the trickery and the whole, wanting to eat people part of the story out. Instead, you transformed it into a message of self-perception and beauty. I like the extensive background you provided with the mermaids and the fairies. I did catch a minor mistake. After the Queen Mermaid talks to the King Fairy and leaves, you referred to the Queen as "The Queen Fairy." That threw me off a bit, but I realized it must have been a mistake. Other than that, there is nothing else that I saw.
Hey Meranda,
ReplyDeleteI just got finished reading your story "Phase II - Sita's Journal" and I really was blown away with your writing style! I really do enjoy retellings of stories where they are just original enough where I can see where the source material is being referenced, but still different enough where it feels like a fresh and new read through. You hit this right on the nose! I really enjoyed how you took a modern take on Sita, and even kept the characters names similar, but still modern (Luke instead of Lakshmana and Ram instead of Rama, I love it!) Also, I think you chose the perfect style and diction to use for your story, as I truly felt like I was reading a 16 year old girl's blog/journal. I wonder how Ram would take all this news, that his girl friend was a living reincarnation of an ancient Indian princess. I would love to see the interactions between Sarah and Ram as she explains this new news to him, and if he would even believe her! Great read!
Hey Meranda,
ReplyDeleteI just went through to read all of your stories again and I thought that they were really good! Firstly, I like your introduction and the name of your project! I felt like all of your stories were constructed really well and I really liked your journal story. I found it as an interesting new way to talk to the readers and you executed it really well! I love how you ended your portfolio with a woman-power tale, where Sita and Draupadi didn't need a man to be happy, but they could be perfectly happy with each other. I wonder how Ram will take it and unfortunately, in regards to this class, you can't continue the story for us and have Ram and Sita possibly go to the same college. That would have been something interesting for sure. As for the layout of your portfolio, I thought it was really clean and the pictures that you picked fit perfectly to your subject. Overall, great job!
Hey Meranda,
ReplyDeleteIt was great reading your last story in your portfolio. My favorite part is how you blended the two epics we read together. I would have never thought of something like that but it’s a great idea. I also enjoyed that you made the setting more modern, sometimes it is easier to understand that way. It is also an interesting concept that you wrote this while the girls were younger since not a lot is mentioned about when they are children. I think writing the story about when they were younger makes them more relatable and real. It makes the reader think that they had a whole life outside of what we read in the epic. I wonder what other adventures these two would have gone on together as kids. If we had more time it would be interesting to write a story about how they had to part ways as adults to marry their husbands, or maybe they would stay close to each other!
Hi Meranda,
ReplyDeleteI promise I’m not fibbing about my degree – it really is math – and I also can tell you that your writing is much better than you think: you have a simple, straight-forward, and well-executed style that easily outdoes any hamfisted attempts at eloquence. “Brevity is the soul of wit,” and all that. Clarity is too.
I enjoyed reading “The Duchess.” I know exactly what you mean in your Author’s Note: I love to retreat to Jane Austen when things around me are going crazy. There’s just something indefinable to it. The characterization in this one was great too. The characters speak with diction that reinforces the setting and emphasizes the story, which is not something you find in these stories all that often. And I really liked the playful, active spin you put on the – rather bizarre – event of Draupadi’s marriage to all of the brothers.
And I like this phrase a lot: “With the absolute clarity of one drunk on adventure, love, and new possibilities.”
Best,
A.M.